


ruining a ship because i fucking can

by orphan_account



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crack, Dark Crack, Gay Baiting, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Why Did I Write This?, ciel needs a hug, i fucking hate the cielxsebastian ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 02:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17972660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: now i understand that many people ship this, and i’m totally okay with your opinion, but this is my opinion, and please respect it. you don’t need to read this at all, in fact, i’d prefer if you skipped it, because, after all, this was mostly a test.[warning: characters may be extremely OOC, it was my intention]





	ruining a ship because i fucking can

**Author's Note:**

> if you’re easily triggered, are a fucking sensitive lil bitch, or happen to like this pairing, then leave. there’s no place for you here. i don’t fucking care who gets offended, this is my writing and i can do whatever the hell i want.

“So, sir, you’re saying that you have a pedophile problem?” the voice on the other side of the telegraph asked. 

Ciel nodded frantically. “Yes! That’s what I’ve been saying for the past fifteen minutes! Were you not listening?”

There was a sound of munching on the other line, and he was starting to doubt the professionalism of this so-called company. “Are you eating?” he asked incredulously. 

“Oh, sorry, sir, I haven’t eaten anything today,” the voice apologized, not sounding anywhere sorry. “Going back to your problem, what was it again? Did you say that you had a problem with your orthodontist? You know, we have another department for teeth related issues that you can call.”

”What?! No!” 

The voice softened, a hint of sympathy slipping in. “Oh, sir, there’s no need to be ashamed. Many people get herpes. When was the last time you engaged in sexual activity?” 

Ciel couldn’t even get the words out in time because the voice droned on like a hive of bees. “Or would you like me to send someone over to check you out?”

A strangled sort of sound could be heard from Ciel as his face paled so much that he looked like a bed sheet washed too many times with bleach. 

“Wait!” he shouted. “First of all, I don’t have herpes! I’m thirteen! Second, herpes has nothing to do with orthodontia. And, third, how did you mix up ‘pedophile’ for ‘orthodontist’? Are you even a professional?”

”Eh, I was messing with you, I don’t get much time off,” the voice said, sounding bored already. 

“I could get fucking raped by my butler at any moment and you’re not taking this seriously!” Ciel snapped, fed up. 

There was a silence on the the other line for a few moments, before the voice said. “I’ll send someone over.” 

As the line went dead, Ciel found himself thinking. What was this company called again? Oh, yeah, The Guaranteed Uakari Advocates Community (that fix everything wrong with society). Or The G.U.A.C. The name didn’t even make sense. Ciel knew that the species “uakari” was a type of monkey who resided in South America. Did that mean that the workers were idiots? Probably. But at this point he was desperate to stop that demonic butler of his.

———

Just thinking about his young master made his knees tingle. He could just imagine that boy in his mind right now as he was preparing his master his usual sweets. Ciel Phantomhive was a pastry that hadn’t yet been dusted with powdered sugar and topped with frosting, so dead looking that he gave corpses a run for their money. He was reminded of his face everywhere he went, even when he was looking at a dog. The boy had engraved himself into his mind, and wasn’t letting go anytime soon. That potpie of a boy was going to be his! 

As he walked up the stairs towards his young master’s office, he felt like a man who’d just been stomped on by a hundred feet, so out of breath at the thought of him that it made him dizzy. 

Knocking lightly on his master’s door, he let himself in with the cake he had prepared for his master. “Young master.”

Ciel wasn’t at his usual seat, and instead stood as straight as a pole in front of his window, staring out into the courtyard. 

Looking at his young master bathed in sunlight made him look like a honeyed rotisserie ham, and it made Sebastian feel sweaty. Ciel turned to look at Sebastian for a few moments, and Sebastian could feel himself melt at the sight of his younger master’s tomato lips stacked on top of each other. Ciel rolled his eyes, and as they bounced in ocular jelly, he knew he was the one.

Setting down the cake, he approached him from behind, and gently placed his gloved hands on Ciel’s shoulder, feeling the way he stiffened in surprise. 

“Sebastian,” Ciel’s voice was indifferent. “What are you doing?”

”Taking what I want,” Sebastian all but purred, voice smoother then the top of a lacquered table.

His young master stilled, and Sebastian took that as his indication to go. Bringing his mouth to the shell of Ciel’s ear, he whispered. “You know what I love most about you?”

Ciel’s breath hitched. 

“How short you are.” 

Unbeknownst to him, Ciel was fighting a internal battle inside his mind, because he wanted to desperately wanted to order his Sebastian to get six feet away from him and to never lay his hands on him ever again. He felt so uncomfortable, and he could feel his skin crawling as Sebastian’s hands traveled lower and lower, and they stopped at his waist.

”Young master, you seem to be enjoying this,” Sebastian’s voice sounded sly and strangely satisfied as he pressed his back flush against the young boy.

A squawk erupted from the great Ciel Phantomhive, and Sebastian’s chuckle sounded as musical as chalk on a board. It was terrifying to Ciel. He didn’t want an older man preying on him! That was the last straw. 

Tearing away from his butler, he pressed his back against the wall as flickers of irritation and slight fear flashed in his solo blue eye. “Sebastian! What the hell was that?” 

“I was merely taking what I wanted,” Sebastian said with a devilish smirk, as he slunk over to Ciel. 

“Get away from me!” Ciel shouted, trying to run away, but Sebastian caught him, grabbing him violently and slamming him to the ground.

”You’ve been extremely disobedient, young master,” Sebastian said. “It looks like you need to be taught a lesson.” 

Fear clouded Ciel’s eye, and he shrunk away from the demon as Sebastian straddled his waist, pinning him down. 

“Sebastian, I order you to sto-!” his sentence was cut off by a hand pressing against his mouth. 

Tutting, Sebastian shook his head wearily. “Oh, but young master, we can’t be having any of that.” 

As Sebastian drew closer, Ciel’s eye widened as he called for someone to save him. Anyone would do even a . . . monkey? Out of the corner of his peripheral vision, he could see something barreling towards them. A small Uakari monkey rammed into Sebastian, knocking him off of his Ciel, much to his surprise. 

“Mr. Michaelis!” the monkey chattered as he slapped a pair of handcuffs onto the demon. “You are under arrest for violating your master’s personal space and for lusting after a young child.” 

Sebastian’s surprise was short, and he burst out laughing. “Me? I don’t believe I’ve done anything worth getting arrested for. Sure, I’ve killed a few thousand people, but their lives were pointless.” 

Shaking his head with disappointment and disgust, the Uakari monkey turned to Ciel and offered a hand. Taking it gratefully, Ciel got to his feet, feeling shaken to his core. 

“Mr. Phantomhive,” the monkey asked, his gaze softening. “Are you okay?” 

Swallowing thickly, Ciel nodded, unable to speak for a few moments. “I think so,” he said in a shaky voice. 

“We’ll arrange for a good therapist to meet up with you. You’ll be in good hands, don’t worry,” the monkey assured, leaping onto Ciel’s desk and patting the his shoulder. “It’s all over now, kid. This contract between you two will be broken within a matter of days, and then you can begin the road to recovery.”

Taking out a packet from thin air, he skimmed through it. “Name: Ciel Phantomhive. Age: thirteen years. No, no, not what I want. Ah ha! Mental Health: deteriorating. Mental Illnesses: anxiety, PTSD, possibly depression in the near future. Yeah, kid, you’ve gone through some serious stuff.” 

Ciel could only stare. This monkey knew all about him? And what did it mean by his mental health “deteriorating”? 

“What do you mean about my mental health?” Ciel asked, a defensive edge in his voice. “I’m perfectly fine.” 

The monkey fixed him with a disbelieving look. “Kid, just by looking at you, anyone can see that you’re not fine.” 

He was silent, and found himself looking anywhere but the Uakari monkey. 

“Hey, kid, it’s okay,” the monkey said gently. “Everyone goes through a rough patch at some point. Our community will take good care of you.”

Turning back to the silent Sebastian, who was watching the entire time, but appeared unimpressed and frankly bored. 

“You gonna let me go, creature?” he asked, as moments before, he had realized that for some reason, he couldn’t break free from these handcuffs. It was as if they were made especially for him. 

“Nope,” the monkey said. “You’re going to prison, buddy.” 

Sebastian found himself amused. “You think that you can keep a demon trapped in a mortal cage? You better have better tricks than that.”

The monkey grimaced, and stared at the demon with only repulsion. “As a matter of fact, I do. I had our leader order for a prison for demons constructed. It’s state of the art, and because I’ve been sworn to secrecy, I can’t tell you what it’s made of or how we figured out what a demon’s weakness. There’s no way you’ll be getting out.” 

To Ciel’s surprise and sadistic glee, Sebastian paled. “Get him out of my sight,” he sneered, lip curling as he glared at his former demon butler. 

The Uakarian chuckled, and tossed a little blinky cube on the ground, to which it opened up a swirling portal and sucked Sebastian into oblivion. 

“Don’t worry, Mr. Phantomhive, he won’t be bothering you ever again,” the monkey turned to Ciel, who was relieved. ”We’ll send someone over to evaluate you in a few days time.”

Before the monkey turned to jump into the portal too, Ciel couldn’t help but ask. “Who are you?” 

“My name is Mr. Censoredbecauseicantthinkofnames, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other real soon,” the Uakari monkey said, and he then he leapt into the portal and disappeared, along with the portal and the cube. 

Ciel was dumbfounded, but found that his relief much greater. Sagging against the wall, he sank to his knees, and found himself staring at his shaking hands. He was free, and for the first time in a long time, he felt the gentle swell of hope.

**Author's Note:**

> you know, this started out as a crack fic, but it turned into something darker and more angsty. poor ciel. he seriously needs a therapist. should i do a second part or something? maybe with him in a therapy session?


End file.
